I heard this question in a BBC Heart & Soul documentary today about a family where the father had sexually abused his young daughter. The wife described how she had come to a place where the question, “Do I believe in the forgiveness of sin?” arose when considering her husband’s actions towards her daughter.
Her answer was, “Yes, I do.” and she forgave him. She did so with an unopened envelope in her hand — inside the envelope was his confession to the police, which she had not read until that point! Wow. That forgiveness was the start of another journey, but still, Wow.
One of the common promoted ‘benefits’ of forgiveness is a sort of self-preservation — we forgive others for own own sake, not theirs, necessarily. (The conditions, if any, we may seek to place on our forgiveness is another subject.)
graphic: Forgiveness: Breaking the Chain of Hate by Michael Henderson
We forgive, so the theory goes, to prevent ourselves carrying toxic bitterness, to counter an aspect of the ‘spiritual risk’ I referred to in my previous post on Animosity. It’s better, we’re encouraged, to ‘move on’, ‘let it go’, ‘get over it’, to not hold a grudge.
And generally, I would agree with that. But it doesn’t mean you forget…
As John F Kennedy said:
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”
What Kennedy’s injunction says to me is, ‘Forgive your enemies — and remember that they cannot be fully trusted.’
This approach dovetails with the wisdom of Bob Burley’s advice to ‘believe’ someone if they show you (by their actions) who they are. In other words, learn your lesson about that person. We are, after all, learning organisms.
It’s perfectly natural, for instance, for us to learn that certain foods don’t agree with us, or that we don’t enjoy books or films by particular authors, or that we find some types of entertainment/holiday/pastime more refreshing than others. I can’t stand horror movies, for instance. That’s not ‘holding a grudge’, it’s just working out what suits me.
Reconsider the abusive father. While he has returned to his home and family, and is reconciled to his wife and daughter, his sin isn’t forgotten. Far from it. He and his family have had to adjust to a new set of boundaries. Given his history, there are some things it’s not appropriate for him to do: baby-sitting, for instance. He may be perfectly trustworthy now — as the result of his jail sentence and the counselling work he’s undertaken — but why take the risk?
People don’t change their ways just because you’ve forgiven them.
It has surely happened to all of us: you take someone at their word and expect them to keep a promise, and they don’t.
Now you have some choices: ask for an explanation and assess its veracity, or let go of your expectation that the person is trustworthy. If they continue to request or expect your trust (judging by their words or actions) you have more choices: chiefly, either to extend your trust to them … or to withhold it.
‘Once bitten twice shy’ comes from this. (‘Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me’, also.)
Withholding your trust from someone who has proven themselves unworthy of it isn’t unforgiveness, surely.
Isn’t it just learning a lesson?
What do you think?
You are getting in deep Peter, very deep.
“…People don’t change their ways just because you’ve forgiven them…”
I agree.
My Church, the Catholic Church, tells me that I must love everyone no matter how odious they may be. But, it certainly does not tell me that I have to like people that I dislike, or for that matter, trust people who are untrustworthy. Therefore, when the Church talks of love it must be referring to something else — something far deeper.
A crime is a crime no matter how it is viewed. The moral bent always draws the conclusion that some ethereal and magical blanket falls between the sin, the sinner and the victim when forgiveness is given. However, without the moral bent a crime can easily end up tangled in vengeance. Vengeance only drives the victim and the victim’s family into a frenzy of hatred that drags them down to the very level that the perpetrator himself exhibited at the beginning of the confrontation. A murderer becomes the murdered, and the original victim’s family becomes the murderer, etcetera, etcetera…
Because we are all interconnected by family and friends — where does it end?
If hatred is the easiest of emotions to invoke, then love must be the hardest of emotions to invoke. It follows then, that vengeance is “natural”; and the “unnatural” is to forgive. But, without forgiveness we are led into temptation… and so, it follows, that another crime may be committed.
Again, where does it end?
The logical answer to this must be with the person who first “forgives.” If the first sin begets the next sin, then it is at the point of forgiveness where the chain of sin ends.
It’s easy for us to pontificate on this subject. But, would any of us actually want to be tested? Would any of us truly want to find ourselves in the shoes of the victim’s family? I’ve watched enough real-life murder stories on TV to know that this would be a horror unto itself.
God, let none of us be tested so!
Call me selfish, but I was purely thinking of forgiveness for my own benefit — to keep me safe from 'spiritual risk' — not to follow a commandment. – P
@Chowbok: “Vengeance only drives the victim and the victim’s family into a frenzy of hatred that drags them down to the very level that the perpetrator himself exhibited at the beginning of the confrontation.”
Yes, thanks. I agree. Whether 'natural' or not, vengeance is a dangerous thing. See the newspaper article link in my post 'Remembering Karla' for an account of just what you're talking about. Damage. – P
edit: Just saw your comment with the 2007 Dominion article which I hadn’t seen, thank you. I remember John Marsden. The unfolding horror of Karla’s ordeal affected many of us deeply — of course the family more than anyone. Very sobering to read this.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/archive/na…
“…Now they are trying to forgive. He still cries when he thinks about Karla, but he and his wife are working hard to let go of the anger.
“You've got to forgive to live,” he said. “It's not that hard, it's only a thought away.”…”
[…] been a while since we’ve discussed forgiveness here, although this post, “Do I believe in the forgiveness of sin?” and this one, Remembering Karla are never far from me … especially when I consider what […]